Feel like you’re losing it?!

Do you ever feel buffeted around by life? Sometimes it can feel like you are a marionette and other people and events are pulling your strings, while you are helpless to regain control. Do you react to people or situations in ways that you later regret? Do other people’s emotions tend to color your mood, as well? Do you get easily flustered, hurt, angry or confused? Do you lose your composure?

This thing called composure…

The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language defines Composure as: A calm or tranquil state of mind; self possession; steadiness of mind under stress. Now who couldn’t benefit from strengthening their composure? You’ve probably met those people who seem to keep their composure and remain self-possessed no matter what kind of craziness is going on around them. Their responses meet the needs of the situation—no more, no less. They respond instead of react. They are flexible and yielding when needed, and firm and resolved when necessary. They are usually fair and respectful of themselves and others. How do they do it? It’s not just genetics or some kind of gift. They have skills that can be learned and practiced by anyone.

Finding Your Own Composure

To start your journey to more composure, begin to notice situations or people that tend to ruffle your feathers. Everyone is different. When do you react? How do you react? How do you feel about your reactions? Sometimes emotional reactions can happen very quickly, so slowing down is critical. There are very few truly urgent situations that require an immediate response. Really, how often are you charged by a bear? You can usually give yourself a few minutes (or hours or days) to decide how you want to respond.

Slow Down!

Slowing down allows any emotional escalation to settle down. Research, and just being human, reveals that our brains just don’t work as well when flooded with emotion. Being highly emotional can disrupt our thinking, concentration and problem-solving. Making decisions when emotions are running very high can have regrettable and even disastrous consequences. Have you ever said something cruel in the heat of anger, only to wish you could take it back later? So, how do you slow down when you’re on emotional overload? Many of you have probably heard about the concept of taking a “time-out”. Taking a “time-out” is a good start, but there are skills you can learn that will help you to actually change your state of mind, so that you can respond effectively to whatever life dishes out. First, if you find your emotions are overwhelming you, you may need to physically leave a situation or discontinue a conversation for the time-being. If someone you care about is involved, it may help to reassure the person that you will be willing to talk again at another time. You might say something like, “I am feeling too emotional to discuss this right now, and I’d like to talk with you about it again later.”

Mind Your State of Mind!

Now, it’s time to regain your composure. Marsha Linehan, PhD, the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, coined the terms “Emotion Mind”, “Reasonable Mind” and “Wise Mind”. Everyone is capable of each of these states of mind, and we need them all. Emotional Mind is evident when our emotions are driving our behavior—for better or for worse. Emotions can drive us to say unkind things and act destructively, but they can also compel us to show love and affection and take on injustices we feel passionate about. “Reasonable Mind” can be likened to the characters of Spock or Data Star Trek. When you’re in this state of mind you are objective and interested in facts. While in “Reasonable Mind”, you act from logic and rationality. This is very helpful when you are balancing your checkbook or writing a report, but not so helpful when you need to empathize with another person’s feelings. “Wise Mind” is the part of you that always knows what’s in your best interest. Your “Wise Mind” can give you direction about what is really right for you. It helps you know how to respond to situations most effectively. It can sometimes tell you things you don’t want to hear—but know you need to hear. Your “Emotion Mind” may tell you to eat an entire box of cookies and skip the gym tonight, but your “Wise Mind” knows better. Do you always listen to your Wise Mind? Most people don’t. There are times when everyone can speak and behave as if their “Wise Mind” has left the building! Sometimes, people and events around you can drown out the voice of the “Wise Mind”. It’s important to have time to be able to hear and feel “Wise Mind”, and respond from it whenever possible. There are many ways to get back in touch with your “Wise Mind “ to regain your composure when you’ve become off balance.

To decrease emotional intensity and get in touch with “Wise Mind”:

1. Just NOTICE the distressing a situation without doing or saying anything about it—just OBSERVE

2. Breath—slow deep breaths can help immediately

3. Objectively describe the situation to yourself –leave out feeling words—maybe describe it as if it were happening to someone else.

4. Take a non-judgmental attitude—leave your opinions at the door (this one can be tough). You can acknowledge something without approving of it.

5. Slow down—just do one thing at a time with your full attention

6. Think about your objective in the situation. What do you really want? What do you really need? (take some time with this one)

7. Play Fair—act in ways that maintain your self-respect and the respect of others

8. Accept the situation you are in—not the one you wish you were in

9. Behave as skillfully as you can—from Wise Mind –consider how you can respond effectively to get what you need, while respecting others

10. Let go of excessive anger, self-righteousness or vengeful thoughts

To stay connected to “Wise Mind”:

1. Practice being Mindful and aware of yourself and the world around you everyday. Pay attention.

2. Slow down…do one thing at a time—stop multi-tasking for a bit

3. Pay attention to what you pay attention to—where is your mind taking you? Is that where you want to go? Is it helpful?

4. Breathe—consciously and regularly. Take time each day to stop and just notice your breath

5. Have regular time alone

6. Try journaling

7. Listen to your body—it communicates a wealth of information to you-Is there any tension? Does anything hurt? Is anything not working right?

8. Don’t neglect your spiritual life—connect with your “higher power”, whatever or whoever that may be

9. Spend some time in nature whenever you can

10. Spend time with people who are good for you—you know who they are—you feel good and energized when you’re with them—not drained or bad about yourself.

By going through this process, you can hopefully regain and maintain your composure and respond to situations the way you want to. You will be ready for whatever challenges life delivers to your doorstep!

© Copyright Lisa Renee LaRose, MA, LPC 2007

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The American Counseling Association and the National Board to Certified Counselors have issued statements acknowledging that e-counseling and telephone counseling are valid and ethical. They have written some specific guidelines for practicing this type of counseling, and I have made every attempt to adhere to these guidelines on my website and in my practice with client.

I will also use my site to make clients and the public aware of any updates to these guidelines.

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Telephone counseling is also effective, although it doesn’t allow us to see visual cues. Counseling via e-mail is unique in that it gives both the client and the counselor more time to reflect on the problem and the response. This type of counseling works well for people who enjoy reading and writing and express themselves effectively with writing. In the past, people often sought support from each other through letters. It’s also nice because clients can keep the written responses and refer back to them at a later time.

Direct chat is in real time, more like a conversation. Direct chat counseling is accomplished using Yahoo! Messenger, AOL Instant Messenger, Windows Live Messenger, Skype, or other service.

I offer each one of these types of counseling.

Click Here to find out more about each type of counseling, and the fees for each one.

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My website is also secure in the areas where you provide sensitive information. I will not release any client information to any outside party without a Release of Information from the client.

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The therapist must have the skills to address the issues presented by the client. A counselor should never attempt to address problems or issues for which he/she is not trained. I encourage clients to trust their feelings and instincts when choosing a counselor.

The relationship between a client and counselor is a professional one. It is not a friendship. The client must be as open and honest as possible with the counselor to ensure that the client receives the most benefit from counseling.

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• Symptoms of depression or anxiety (they often go together)
• Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder, including mania
• Difficulty stopping self-destructive behaviors
• Difficulty managing emotions and emotional pain
• Loss and the associated grief
• Difficulty coping with a traumatic event
• Relationship conflict or dissatisfaction
• Life transitions (divorce, “empty nest”, going back to school or work, etc)
• Problems with self-esteem/ self-image
• Problems being appropriately assertive
• Difficulty setting or reaching goals
• Finding meaning/ purpose

IMPORTANT: Certain problems and symptoms are not suited for treatment with online or telephone counseling. Some of these include active psychotic symptoms, schizophrenia, eating disorders,  dissociative disorders, some personality disorders, some sexual/gender identity disorders, current suicidal or homicidal thoughts, plans or intent to harm others.

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The length of therapy will depend on the complexity of the problems or symptoms presented by the client, as well as the client’s specific goals. I do not believe therapy needs to be a long-term endeavor. I tend to see the client-counselor relationship much like a student-teacher relationship.

One of my goals is to empower clients with skills and help them develop insight so they don’t need counseling anymore! Often, people experience distress or symptoms (i.e. anxiety, panic or depression) when they lack the skills they need to cope effectively with difficult situations or painful symptoms.

As stated above, clients may terminate therapy at any time. I do feel that a final session to wrap things up is very helpful.

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I won’t have to gather all of the information during your session. This information helps us to create a Treatment Plan that guides and focuses counseling, and ensures that you are able to address what is most important to you.

Online Counseling uses modern technology to help make professional mental health services more available to people who need them. While it is not exactly the same as traditional counseling, it does offer many benefits. It is a resource for people who live a long distance from a mental health professional or facility. People who have difficulty getting out due to illness , lack of transportation, or other problems can talk with a counselor from the comfort of their own home. It is very private, safe and discreet. There is no need to travel, and there is often much more flexibility in scheduling sessions. Online Counseling or telephone counseling is also often more affordable than traditional psychotherapy.

The Drawbacks:

One drawback with online counseling is that urgent crisis situations cannot be handled online. If a client is feeling suicidal or homicidal, help must be obtained through a local emergency resource such as the emergency room, 911, or the local mental health crisis line. There are also problems that are not suited for treatment with online counseling. E-Counseling is not appropriate for treating dissociative disorders, eating disorders, psychosis , or schizophrenia. There is also the possibility of technology failure or unavailability with online and telephone counseling. With telephone , e-mail and chat counseling, the inability to see each other and read visual cues can potentially lead to miscommunication.

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I help each client I work with to identify local resources in their community for help in the event of an emergency. If one of my clients is having difficulty, and it is not a life-threatening emergency, I do make every effort to schedule a session within 24 Hours.

1. Go to “Get Started” and complete the Intake, Privacy & Disclosure Forms.
2. Select the service you would like to purchase.
3. Proceed to checkout to pay for services. We will communicate either by telephone or e-mail to set up your first appointment. I make very attempt to contact and schedule new clients within 24 Hours.

We will communicate either by telephone or e-mail to set up your first appointment. I make very attempt to contact and schedule new clients within 24 Hours.

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